BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
#math
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.