ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
The two types of wives
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother