This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
This is always good for a laugh.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
somebody come look at this
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.