I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”