Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.