Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.