I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
You Might Also Like
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I love the National Park Service.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY