Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Who chose this font
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Meanwhile in Canada…
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
peeping toms
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up