13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
shit just got real
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…