[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.