[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
An odd boast
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.