I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.