Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Mornin
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?