“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
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*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
*jazz hands*
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
We have a winner.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.