Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
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[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
he’s sick of your bullshit today
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.