Risking my life for fun.
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
He’s dead
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Matt Goss
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.