You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.