me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
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[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.