Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members