The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
You Might Also Like
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Hotels are back
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.