[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.