Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!