“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
You Might Also Like
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked