I falcon love using swear birds
You Might Also Like
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
yeah 😭
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
NASA has no chill
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.