I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
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*bites zombie*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Monday
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.