You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea