I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
For the orator and chef in all of us
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.