Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.