The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
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I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
For those that worship cheese..
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming