I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
next question.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!