Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
New comic up. “Ransom”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.