Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I have so many questions.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.