[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.