*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Only short people can save us
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
bears
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?