Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
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surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.