30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Check out the legs on this baby
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.