A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Happy thanksgiving
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley