Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
You Might Also Like
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
*seductively corrects your posture*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…