Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
thank god
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
that de-escalated quickly
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit