The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair