I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Mouse
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Twitter remains undefeated
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.