Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
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How your email finds me
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Very problematic
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.