Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING