If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
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I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case