Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Life hack
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.