Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.