It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
You Might Also Like
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
lost dog
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me, flirting😏
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?