My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
For those that worship cheese..
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.