DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here鈥檚 why we don鈥檛 do that.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you鈥檙e using too much teeth
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 馃槀馃ぃ
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn鈥檛 attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I鈥檓 currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’