Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
not seeing the problem
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.